How to approach your child’s masturbation

A moment of reflection for parents.

When you discover your child touching their private parts, how do you react?

• Do you panic or raise your voice?
• Do you punish or physically discipline them?
• Do you isolate them or remove privileges?
• Do you share the situation with others at home?

If so, you are not alone—many parents react instinctively out of fear, due to cultural taboos, or lack of information. However, these responses can unintentionally create shame, anxiety, or future sexual difficulties for your child.

Understanding childhood masturbation.

Masturbation is a normal and natural part of childhood development. It is typically observed between the ages of 3 and 5, when children begin exploring their bodies out of curiosity.

At this stage, self-touching is not a sexual act but rather a process of self-discovery and comfort, similar to thumb-sucking or playing with hair. While children may feel warmth, sensitivity, or relaxation, they do not experience sexual discharge or orgasm as adults do.

Common parental reactions: A gendered perspective.

Cultural and societal norms often influence how parents react:

• When a girl is caught masturbating, parents may fear it is a sign of immorality or indecency, sometimes resorting to harsh discipline.
• When a boy is caught masturbating, parents may dismiss it as “normal” or even praise him, reinforcing the idea that male sexuality is more acceptable.

This double standard not only fosters shame and confusion but also perpetuates harmful gender biases that children may carry into adulthood.

When should parents be concerned?

Instead of worrying about whether a child is masturbating, parents should focus on:
Frequency: Occasional self-touching is normal, but if a child masturbates excessively, it may indicate stress, anxiety, or unmet emotional needs.
Context: If a child frequently masturbates in public settings, they may need gentle guidance about privacy.

How do we respond healthily?

Rather than reacting with fear or punishment, parents can take a calm and supportive approach:

Encourage Engaging Activities
Boredom or stress can lead to increased self-soothing behaviors. Encourage activities that stimulate creativity and confidence without overwhelming your child.

Prioritize Emotional Connection
Show affection through hugs, verbal affirmations, and quality time. Children need to feel valued beyond social or family expectations.

Teach Privacy, Not Shame
Instead of scolding, gently explain that some activities, like using the bathroom, are done in private. Normalize self-exploration while setting appropriate boundaries.

Spend Quality Time Together
A child who feels emotionally connected to their parents is less likely to rely on masturbation as a coping mechanism for loneliness or stress.

Masturbation: Myths vs. Facts

Masturbation remains one of the most stigmatized aspects of human sexuality, leading to widespread misinformation:

Common Myths
It stunts physical development.
It causes mental illness or perversion.
It leads to blindness or terminal diseases.

Scientific facts:
Masturbation is a healthy, normal, and natural part of human sexuality. No medical or psychological evidence links it to physical harm.

Recognizing and challenging sexism in parenting.

Sexism—the belief in the superiority of one gender over another—plays a major role in how boys and girls are treated differently when it comes to sexuality.

In many cultures, male sexuality is celebrated, while female sexuality is suppressed.

Religious teachings, cultural taboos, and traditional gender roles reinforce unequal attitudes toward sexuality.

Acknowledging and challenging these biases allows parents to raise children with healthy, shame-free attitudes toward their bodies and emotions.

Final thoughts.

If discussing childhood sexuality makes you uncomfortable, you’re not alone. However, avoiding or ignoring the topic can lead to greater confusion and emotional distress for your child in the long run.

By educating yourself, responding with patience, and treating your child’s natural development with respect, you create a safe and nurturing environment for their mental and emotional well-being.

Remember: A child who grows up feeling safe and accepted in their body is more likely to develop healthy self-esteem, boundaries, and relationships later in life.

Recommended resources for further reading:

Bancroft, J. (2009). Human Sexuality and Its Problems. Elsevier.
Haffner, D. W. (2008). From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children. Newmarket Press.
LeVay, S. (2017). Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why: The Science of Sexual Orientation. Oxford University Press.
Okami, P., Olmstead, R., Abramson, P. R., & Pendleton, L. (1997). Early Childhood Exposure to Parental Nudity and Scenes of Parental Sexuality: An 18-Year Longitudinal Study of Outcome. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 26(4), 361–384.
Kinsey, A. C., Pomeroy, W. B., & Martin, C. E. (1948). Sexual Behavior in the Human Male. Saunders.
Kinsey, A. C., Pomeroy, W. B., Martin, C. E., & Gebhard, P. H. (1953). Sexual Behavior in the Human Female. Saunders.
Solomon, A. (2012). Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity. Scribner.
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2016). Sexuality Education for Children and Adolescents.
World Health Organization (WHO). (2010). Standards for Sexuality Education in Europe.
Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) – www.siecus.org
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) – www.nctsn.org
Planned Parenthood – Parents’ Guide to Talking to Kids About Sex – www.plannedparenthood.org
American Psychological Association (APA) – Understanding Children’s Sexual Development – www.apa.org