Why are we stuck? The three hidden levels of your relationship.

Couples usually come to therapy because of relationship problems, not psychological disorders. Yet psychological difficulties often both cause and result from relational distress, creating a Gordian knot that binds the two together.

The aim of couple therapy is to help the pair grow in ways that reduce these tensions. The therapeutic frame here is a three-person relationship, distinct from but somewhat similar to the one established in individual therapy. As in individual work, it is essential to understand the level of personality organization at which the couple functions. Borrowing McWilliams’ language, this can be described as neurotic, borderline, or psychotic. This understanding must be revisited repeatedly, since relational dynamics are fluid and may shift with time.

A couple functioning at a neurotic level can usually find words for feelings. They are capable of reflecting on each other’s motivations and recognizing that what they say or do may carry meanings beyond their conscious intent.

At a borderline level, the couple often falls into long-lasting conflicts where this reflective capacity disappears. In calmer moments, they may regain it, but when tension rises, emotions are discharged through actions and words that hurt or control. Communication turns into enactment, and language becomes a weapon.

At a psychotic level, there is little or no awareness of what might be happening in the other’s mind. The relationship becomes a stage where each partner acts out inner turmoil by doing things to the other. Affairs, cruelty, and destructiveness unfold without later reflection. There is no shared space for thought, for protection, for repair, or even for realistic separation.

The point I usually want to make in my writings is that, even when couples operate below the neurotic level, where work tends to be more directive, the deepest and most sustainable progress still comes through a psychoanalytic lens. The goal is not only to manage behavior but to restore meaning where action has replaced thought.

I am aware that McWilliams’ terminology may carry stigma. If we wish, we can translate these into gentler terms: communicators, enactors, and non-mentalizers. The phrasing may sound awkward, but it conveys the essence. Interestingly, a couple’s level of functioning is not always the simple sum of two individual psyches. Just as individuals move between levels of organization, so do couples, although over time most tend to inhabit one level more consistently than the others.

                                                                © 2025 by Shabnam Sadigova